Query:
In eighteen-year-old Jena Anderson’s world, two things will never change. The twin Earth’s will always turn, and everyone has a doppelganger, or Ersatz, on one of those worlds. Except Jena has no Ersatz. She is branded as an indefinite, shunned by her own society and forced to run from the only life she has ever known.
Then people who Jena is close to start to die. Maybe they’re being killed by the government of her world as punishment for her twisted, rebellious existence. Maybe not. All she knows is that she has an enemy, someone who wants to hurt her and will stop at nothing to reach her.
There is only one thing Jena is certain of - neither Earth is safe.
So she turns her sights to the stars and boards a Wing, a giant sky ship that may be her only hope for refuge.
But the sky can only protect her for so long. When a malfunction on her Wing leaves her suspended in space, her only hope for rescue seems to be the very faceless enemy that has threatened her life for so long. And when they come for her she will have to make a choice: either save the worlds she has come to loathe or risk destroying Byron, the one person in them who could make life worth living again. The choice would be a lot easier if he wasn't working for the enemy.
Ersatz Wings is a 72,000 word young adult science fiction. It is my first novel, and has the potential to be a series. If you are interested in reading more, please contact me via email. I am querying other agents at this time also. Thank you for your consideration.
First 250:
Chapter
1:
The
red panic lights flash above me as all of the other lights are cut off,
plunging me into a ruby strobe-light darkness. I sit in the gloom, head tilted
slightly to the side, and listen to the low thrumming alarm that has been
triggered. It vibrates my whole body with its resonating tones: errr… err… errrrr…
The
systems are much too old. In fact, this is one of the oldest Wings still in
existence. It’s no wonder that something has gone wrong.
When
Coptain barges into my meal, flushed and scared, I just look up at him,
studying his fear for a moment with a sense of mild curiosity. His skin is
sheet white, glistening with sweat, and he almost looks like the spooked horses
I’ve seen in the history books, the ones that were ridden into battle. I watch
as his eyes dart around before locking onto me.
I’ve
never seen him so terrified before. And, in my experience, terror is not a good
sign.
“We’re
out of life support, Jena. You need to find someone to link with.” His voice is
a hoarse shout that sounds almost painful as he fights to be heard over the
alarms. For a moment I wonder if he is imagining the life-stealing expanse of
space that is all around us, trapping us on this damaged Wing. I know that I
am.
Looking
down at my hands, I daintily smooth a napkin out on the table, making sure the
creases disappear from the white fabric before I look up.
Love Jena's voice here, and her careful observations. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I'm super excited! :)
ReplyDeleteI love the concept here - I had a slew of ideas on twin earths for my own "potential WIP's" but you seem to have it nailed down.
ReplyDeleteYour pitch really makes me want to jump into the story, and your first 250 has an amazing voice. Good job and good luck!
Thank you! :D
DeleteI think this concept is really intriguing but the query letter left me wondering if she was alone on that Wing. Maybe you could add in there that there is a crew or something so we'd know? Otherwise, I think you do an awesome job setting up stakes and summarizing her world.
ReplyDeleteI like the opening. We learn a lot about Jenna in just a few words.
Good luck!
I never noticed how that didn't match up. Thank you for the tip!
DeleteOoh, I'm intrigued as to why she has no Ersatz. :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you! :)
DeleteI'm totally hooked by your idea, but I feel as though your query from 'So she turns her sights' onward is much stronger than the first part. Rather than drone on, I'll just list questions/remarks:
ReplyDeleteI've heard it's not good to start with anything along the lines of 'Character knows _________ won't change. Because invariably, that _______ DOES change, and therein lies your story. I have a personal dislike of that start, so I wouldn't comment on it except for the fact that I've heard it bugs agents too.
I don't think you need an apostrophe in Earths, since you're indicating two. But my grammar is questionable at the best of times.
I feel a little thrown around by the last sentence of the first paragraph and the first sentence of the second paragraph in the query. First you tell us that Jena is shunned by her society and forced to run from the only life she's ever known (if she's being shunned, isn't she sort of bouncing around, unwanted unliked etc anyway?) and then you tell us that the people she's close to are being killed. But if she's being shunned, why does she have friends? Now, I have every confidence that this makes sense when we read your ms. Being outcast is complicated and she might have tons of friends in an underground network or something. But all we get with the query is a glimpse into your world, so it's important to try an avoid confusion. Just rewording things a little, like:
She is branded as an indefinite, shunned by most of society and forced to live at its edges as best she can.
Then what few friend Jena still has start to die.
Or, if this is something where Jena lived normally until a certain age and then suddenly found out that she has no Ersatz (right now it seems like she's always known) then add a little line like 'But on her fifteenth birthday, Jena learns that she has no Ersatz, and everything changes.'
As for your sample, it drew me right in, though I too, thought from the query that Jena was alone on the ship. I love your voice and Jena's calm observations. The only thing I'll say is that she seemed just a tad vacant. I know she's supposedly afraid of getting trapped on the ship, but she's so calm that that was hard to totally believe. Maybe have just one sentence alluding to how she's afraid, but determined to hide it.
Thanks for the critiques! Your tips make a lot of sense, and I really appreciate them. :D
DeleteI agree with the others. Your sample is stronger than your query, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Query letters are tough to write. I hope you get picked because it'll be fun to see what the coaches to with your submission. Best of luck to you!
ReplyDeleteFellow contestant waving from the linky list. I'm a sci-fi nut and your story kicked my nut-i-ness into high gear.
ReplyDeleteAwww, thanks! :)
DeleteJenna's deliberateness with the napkin makes me want to read more. Best of luck. :)
ReplyDeleteSounds like a really awesome start. Woo-hoo!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds very interesting! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI agree that the query doesn't do the story justice. I like the idea too but I wonder why there are two earths when we only have one (that I know of, LOL). Why not put her on an entirely different system? I write SF too and lots of other things. My entry is #61 if you want to check it out. Keep tweaking your query because a strong query will get an agent to read the sample pages. I know I struggle with queries too. Great premise! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteSounds intriguing. Best of luck to you!
ReplyDeleteOkay you can't stop there! We need more!
ReplyDeleteGood luck :)
Agreed that your query could be tightened. But the important thing that stood out to me was that both your query AND your 250 put me on edge. Your premise freaked me out, and the action and tension in your 250 actually rattled me a little. I wanted to keep reading, and that's the important thing! Luck to you--you've got a story with definite legs!
ReplyDeleteI love the last line of the query and the 250. Haha. That was my favorite of each. I also liked that the query gave a sense of a full story-arc. Good job on that. And good luck!
ReplyDelete